Drought Breaker! - NEW Desalinating semen plant (Gross out warning).

 

The controversial new Drought Breaker 

This story first appeared in the Daily Standard on December 13, 2019. 

 

In what could be a world first, scientists have succeeded in desalinating sperm into perfectly healthy drinking water.  

‘We know it’s a difficult concept to swallow, but the idea of drinking sea water was also considered repulsive by some. It’s not so far removed from that.’ 

In fact, a similar chemical process is used to break down tadpoles into its most basic form. Zinc components remain intact so it’s actually more healthy than water.  

When we asked whether people will refuse to drink it, the spokesperson for the revolutionary Purify or Die Project said, ‘I suggest people just put their ideology to one side and give it a go. It really is completely safe. Just close your eyes and swallow!’ 

Unprocessed water

This new company will at first truck their tankers to rural areas to test it in the wild, so to speak.  

‘It’s an actual fertiliser,’ the scientist said. ‘If people don’t wish to drink it, then it’s great for crops. It’s a veritable magic bean. Stuff shoots up all over the place. Animals love it too. They genuinely prefer it to water. They’re crying out for the stuff.’ 

Naturally some people joke that it can make you pregnant. ‘Rest assured, no one ever got pregnant from swallowing semen, so the same applies here. Add ice, alcohol and fruit and you’ve got a mojito, with an extra bang for your buck.’ 

Men wishing to make a donation are encouraged to line up at one of the company’s new milking stations. See the company website for locations. ‘They’re popping up everywhere. We hope to have one in every suburb by 2028. You won’t be able to keep us down!’ 

Very popular in China

Leave that tap alone and give it a go. You don’t know it until you try it. As stated on the company website, ‘You’ll be grinning, licking your lips and groaning with satisfaction!’ 

Rival companies are reported to be in throes of erupting onto the scene. Some entrepreneurial types are also cashing in on this new phenomenon. Mini Milk Bars are now opening, in the style of 1950’s Milkshake Diners with modern names such as Pump Up The Jam, Jizz Whizz, Blow and Go Joes, Sippy Cup Spunk, Willy Water, Teste Times and The Funky Fluid Factory.  

Just don’t hold your glass up to the light. It’s better not to know.  

More Satire Bytes.

I came across this piece (excuse the pun), just this week, having no idea what it was. I had forgotten I even wrote it. Given my lack of writing at the moment and in need of a laugh I thought, what the hell, I'll share it anyway. I was probably concerned it was too much and it is haha but it is quite creative. Bizarre perhaps. Certainly gross but creative!