She was gone. How much should I care?

Hi,

I wrote this six weeks after the death of my good friend and ex-girlfriend, Sally Jones in 2022. We were together for three years and stayed close for another twenty.

 

To care or not to care

 

I sit in the closing night

I sip on a hot ginger tea

And I don’t care

About anything else.

 

It’s about the best thing

I’ve ever tasted

And I don’t care

About the world

Or the people in it.

 

There’s only the disappearing day

And the ringing in my ears

The tingling in my legs

The heavy heart

And shortness of breath

Thanks to the anti-depressant burden

But the tea is good

And I am still

And I don’t care

About anything else.

 

A month ago

I wanted to die

There were a couple of days there

Where I contemplated it

So, I could be with Sally

The one I overlooked

The love I let go

The regret I partnered

My inheritance.

 

How significantly

Emotions

Can alter life itself.

 

Now that the sting

Is not as deep

I can see life

I realise that I am lucky to have

What she does not.

 

Still,

In this moment at least

I find it hard to care

For myself, you see

Of course, I care about others

My daughter

My family

People I’ve never met

Like those suffering in the Ukraine

But for myself

There’s nothing.

 

It does not matter

What I do

The outcome will be the same

I suppose it is for everyone.

 

The nothingness

Will soon arrive

I’m really just here

For others now

There is no other purpose

Perhaps that’s all any of us

Are here for

To share the burden

To comfort when crumbling

To laugh and love

When it arrives

And maybe it’s better

To not think about it too much.

 

Yes.

 

I have another sip of tea

And decide

That tomorrow

I will try harder

To care a little more.

 

 

11.40 p.m.

16.3.22

 

I was genuinely heartbroken when Sally died in January, 2022. I had not experienced that sort of grief for a very long time, if ever. There was some dark moments.

Sally and I around 1999.

My book,  Us & Them and the things in-between is dedicated to her. Two of the stories and a few poems are about her. This one was not included. 

To mix it up, a bit of naughty post next time, Sin Bin.

Have a good week.

Peace

Anthony