I'm struggling with drug withdrawal and anxiety

Warning, slightly pathetic. ?

Hi,

I don't think I've posted something this personal before. And not this current. Only wrote it a few days ago. I'm hesitant to do as it reeks of self pity but it wasn't written with the intent of sharing. Merely as a means of coping/exploring how I'm feeling. 

(Exacerbated significantly by drug withdrawal. See recent post on my anti-depressant problem).

I'll share it quickly now before I change my mind. 

The struggle

 

Sometimes

Like now

(Increasing in frequency)

I feel like I’ve lost my ability

To write

To create

I’ve lost my drive

And my confidence.

 

Inversely

(If that’s even the right word)

I struggle to cope

With normal life

With work

School runs

Driving anyplace

Facing people

Checking emails

And texts.

 

Fronting up to social media

Pretending everything’s alright

(I need it to promote my work)

Mostly I avoid it

Tired of the façade

Tired of the fear

Tired of the struggle

(Insert more creative phrases).

 

I hope it’s merely

Cymbalta withdrawal

Yet, it’s coming up five years now

So, I forget my prior self

I’m unable to determine

The differences

All lost in the fog.

 

All I know

Is that it’s getting harder

And it feels like

I’m running out of time

As though my body knows

I’m dying

But I haven’t been given

The prognosis yet.

 

Oddly

I don’t appear to mind

I’m not regretful

Or sad

Just tired

So very tired

And a little grateful

For all the good things

That have happened to me

And to my youth

That I enjoyed

And that I have lived fully

Unlike some of my friends.

 

Perhaps more than a little grateful.

 

I do hope

To be free of this poison

And that I many begin to recover

Physically and mentally

And restore

Those aforementioned losses

As I can’t go on like this

Not indefinitely.

 

Today

I’ve slowed my tapering rate

Hoping to improve

My quality of life

As much as I want off

I still have to live

And function

And work

And deal with the swings

Of parenting a teenager

While maintaining our relationship.

 

That’s going to be tough.

 

There are still plenty of highs

And I must keep up appearances, what?

Yet, today I needed to transcribe

The internal conundrums

That is the waking conflict

Against the self.

  

 

24.10.22  7.30 pm

(Not after any pity please. I'm not lamenting my life. I'm quite happy. This is the effect of anxiety AND of anti-depressant withdrawal (PAWS). But if you know someone on anti-depressants, or thinking of taking them, especially Cymbalta, worth sharing).

Worth knowing too that if I'm feeling good I will rarely write about it. I'm getting on with life. While I almost always battle, often if I'm actually at work or with others, I'm okay. I kind of fake it in front of others until I believe it myself. It's when I have to drive, or when I'm on my own or in a stressful situation that it's at it's worst. But it's always there. 

Example, the tinnitus, brain fog etc is 24/7. The anxieties are bearable most of the time. Sometimes I have to pop a valium or lay on the couch. I've been trying breathing meditation and cool showers. I don't drink alcohol anymore and have cut back on sugar and coffee. (A lot of sugar definitely increases anxiety). 

Exercise, sleep, diet, all these things help. Which is the approach doctors should be taking to treat people, not just shoving a fucking pill down their throats. The pill which has now increased my problems, not made them better. (Original Cymbalta post here. )

Something to be said for pushing through too. But there sure are times when nothing works. 

Where I do all my writing, (always handwrite) with the current poetry book.

No more navel gazing! Thanks for your patience. 

I hope to be off this drug by the end of 2023. But I may have to slow down, like I'm doing right now. Just to stabilise and hope I'll feel a bit better.  It's exhausting living with constant anxiety. 

My diverse story and poetry collection Us & Them should have been out by now but should be out in two weeks maximum. 

Please get yourself or a friend a copy as I'm not doing any new writing now aside from the odd poem. This will be the last book for some time.

The book we need right now

My Books

Take care

Peace