Despite writing seven novels of a strong literary merit in a variety of genres, I am yet to find an agent willing to even look at my work, let alone a publisher. Here then, are some ideas to boost that possibility.
A Writer’s Frustration – Schemes to get Published
Part 2 of 3 - Make a Sex tape
Some of today’s biggest celebrities have become famous because of (orchestrated) sex tapes. To name two, and they’ve been plenty, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. They weren’t actors, singers or anything prior to these ‘leaked’ porn vids. Now everyone’s in on the act. Even Scarlett Johansson thinks it’s okay to distribute a bit of ass. Her popularity has (re)skyrocketed. Apparently we now reward skanky behaviour. Lindsay Lohan's problems would be solved if only she would produce a sex tape.
So I’m going to follow suit. In my birthday suit. I’ll get a hot blonde to film herself giving me… (insert whatever image comes to mind) while I’m at the keyboard punching out a grand novel. ‘Oooh, what are you writing?’ she breathes.. uh, between breaths.
‘I’ll type out QWERTY and you get Flirty!’
‘Oooh I love a good keystroke.’
‘Whoa, slow down baby. I’m reaching the climax! And I haven’t got to the end yet!’
Okay, I know it sounds woeful but have you seen the Paris Hilton sex tape? All that posturing made me puke. She was more in love with the camera than Narcissus was with his reflection. Chemistry with her cohort? He barely existed. She would have done it solo if possible.
Perhaps I should assume the doggie position like Kim Kardashian and quote some poetry. (Unlike Kim's three syllables). I could have lines rehearsed like Colin Farrell in his classic sex tape. (I could eat this shite at breakfast lunch and night). Classy.
Mine would be more highbrow. More in the style of the classic Masters. We could turn people on…. To poetry!
Move aside Shelley, Yeats and Keats.
It’s time to get some poetry …
between the sheets!
Or
Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio
A fellow of infinite jest
Until he gave me Fellatio.
Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio
A fellow of infinite jest
Until he gave me Fellatio.
What a wonderful idea! I could film different chapters in different locales using the classics interspersed with my own inspired stanzas, delivered by porn stars. It’s really no different to the way Hollywood is chewing up classic movies, which I call, The Rape of the Remake. It will be literature's turn very soon!
I’ll send dvd copies to publishers. Ill hack their websites with literary porn! Perhaps I could make Audio/visual books… with sex! A narrator reads the novel while a sex scene plays out. We’ll make people fall in love with literature all over again… plus a money shot.
 |
| Do it doggie style. |
Driving Miss Exclamation Point.
I think I’m going to be rich.
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LOL. Poetry doggie style?! Very entertaining post, Anthony. I have thought about getting rich this way since it's worked so well for lesser women, but I'd need to have sex to make a sex tape, right? I'm only opposed to the idea considering the options. Then again, some blow-up dolls look realistic...Now you've got my juices flowing. Wink.
ReplyDeletexoRobyn
Haha thanks Robyn.. if youre going to get your juices flowing, do it on camera please.. that shit sells!
Delete;)
xo
If Shakespeare wrote for Paris Hilton:
ReplyDeleteFor thy sweet sex remember'd such wanking brings,
That then I score and make thee shout: Kingpin!
King Porn!
DeleteHas Nicole Richie got a sex tape out? She has written a novel, I think it's about a drug and alcohol addicted minor celebrity. Perhaps Anthony you could cut off your ears like Chopper Reed, he is quite a big book seller in Australia now. Maybe you could get your novel microscopically tattooed onto a certain body appendage. Make for an interesting elevator pitch to a publisher.
ReplyDeleteGreat idea Graham! Maybe I'll just go the whole hog and cut the appendage off! And suture it to my forehead... gold....
DeleteDo it!!! THat's hilarious.
ReplyDeleteQuirine
If you've come this far, you may as well go all the way..
ReplyDeletebtw, where to get all those videos?
Pretty funny idea and probably a good business plan!
ReplyDeleteCan I get help making a sex tape an I need a partner.
ReplyDeleteCan I get help making a sex tape an I need a partner.
ReplyDeleteSure thing. Apply at your local bookstore. There's always a depressed writer about.
Delete